I don’t even have the words, or even the energy to try to explain and reflect on 2015, but I’ll give it a meek shot: I do have a remembrance of a blog post where the author gave a word that he saw 2015 as a “rollercoaster ride” and that he said to hang on to Jesus for all the ups and downs we were about to have.
In hindsight, I’d say that’s a pretty accurate description for the first half… High ups, STEEP downs, sharp curves, dark tunnels, LOTS of crazy, loud noise… being rattled to my very bones and having to cling to God and fight not to faint or throw up in the midst of all of it.
The second half has been eerily calm, but it’s like I was SO affected by the first half of the year, that the rest of the year was spent stabilizing me in what I would call “critical condition ” at best. It wasn’t a horrible year, like I had had the year before… 2014 still makes me shudder from time to time. No… this year was just… a first time extreme rollercoaster. Ever been on one? You know that pale-faced, shaky-leg syndrome you have after getting off one of those things??? That was me around the end of September. Pale-faced, shaky, and reaching for the nearest “bench” so I could sit down to steady myself. In real life, I’ve always liked rollercoasters, but this ride wasn’t pleasant to me and left me off-kilter, and not trusting the ground I was standing on.
It was also a time to finally really grieve and not hide it. It’s uncomfortable to tell people you’re broken, and to realize that not you, nor them, can do anything to help but to cry out to God. And cry I did! All. Year. Long. I am so grateful for those who cried with me and prayed for me.
Then the holidays hit and my dad’s chemo treatments were over, but he ended up with an infection that landed him in the hospital and then a rehab facility, I think in total, it was about 5 weeks of treatment. If anyone even had a sniffle, we couldn’t go see him, so we sent rounds of older kids, then us a couple times with the youngers to visit him as we were able.
Thanksgiving rolled around and a respiratory illness started moving through the house, first with our oldest son, then our third oldest, then my husband– who ended up in urgent care and four weeks of treatment. Christmas was approaching fast and then my father-in-law ended up in the hospital, giving the family quite a scare, and the younger children and I began getting the respiratory thing, though not as badly, thank the Lord! But this meant no Christmas with extended family.
All of our normal traditions flew out the window, except the evening readings of Unwrapping the Greatest Gift, scriptures and hanging our ornament each night after each devotional. It was as if God cleared our schedule to focus on only the one thing that mattered: He loved us so much that He gave the greatest gift ever: King – Baby Jesus, right there in our merry, messy Christmas where nothing seemed to be going as planned… but this year, we got to see that He IS the Plan. There was Something, SomeOne really sacred and precious in those nightly readings with my littles that I’ll treasure always.
Through November and December I posted daily on Facebook only 5 things that I was grateful for and joyful for. That, too, was a sacred daily thing for me unto the Lord. I was also, finally, able to bring myself to reconnect in a real way with some precious people deep in my heart after living in anguish for missing them so much, and God brought such emotional healing to me for it. Sacred fellowship. 2015–From rollercoaster to sacred. I can live with that. 🙂
So —2016 is here! The Lord spoke to me a few things in prayer one day, He gave me some scripture to pray over and to meditate on, I even had a dream that I truly consider a “visitation”… but the most prominent were the words: “Moving On & Moving Up, Say “Yes” Again” — I’m just going to relax into that Word for the next month or so, pursuing Him and allowing Him to show me what all that means, even if it’s only the next step in front of me. This year… it’s personal and cracked wide open. I can feel it. It’s me and my Lord, one on one… and I am so okay with that, it’s not even funny!
All my wants, desires, goals, etc… they’re where they should be — in His Hands. All I really desire right now is for Him to lead, and I will follow.
Fruitful Vine Woman… she’s re-discovering who she really is this year and yielding to be a Spirit-fruit filled woman. Posts on that to follow, but for now:
Happy Blessed New Year!
Completely His, Nicci
As a pastor your post came up in my search for advent series. Although it was 2015 when you penned this, how can we not see that in 2021 we are still on that rollercoaster- . Very well written and wonderful listening to the Holy Spirit on your part. Thank you
Thank you for sharing Hilary, I am grateful for the One who keeps us stable in the midst! Blessings to you!